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Tex Commando

I'm not angry, just outspoken

First off, let me say that I am practically perfect. I’m still trying to come up with an embarrassing experience. I don’t have one. So, I was relieved when Lojo asked me about an irrational fear that I have. I smiled actually. Because I don’t really have one of those either. I know!! I actually AM perfect!

I have the usual fear of spiders. But it’s nothing irrational. I don’t kill them unless they are invading my space. If I see one in the corner, I leave it alone. I’ll even let the big ass motherfuckers live as long as they aren’t impeding my activities. However, I did have several run-ins with gigantic killer spiders last summer. We live in the woods. I know it’s natural for there to be an abundance of insects in the woods. I can live with that. However, what I can’t live with is the big ass motherfuckers that make 4-5 foot diameter webs that are attached to tree branches that are more than 20 feet away. I also can’t handle it when the 8 legged assholes block all exits from my house. I dealt with that shit all summer. One night, after a particularly late night of drinking and hanging out with ‘ma girl, I almost got attacked by one. Thankfully, I had my phone so I could call Mr. Tex to come rescue me. He did! He came out with a broom and swept the terrorist away. He’s my hero.

But I guess I’m not totally phobia free. I have created a phobia for myself. It’s the post office. I avoid the post office at all costs. I hate the post office. I hate bringing my kids to the post office with me. I won’t go if I have to bring a kid. I won’t really go if I don’t have to bring a kid. I have had a silly dashboard hula doll for Brandi in my car for at least the past two months. It’s in the damned box! I have her address easily accessible. I even had the tape in the box so I could tape it up when I got there. But DAMN!! I couldn’t bring myself to stop at the post office to mail it. I just couldn’t do it.

Then X-mas came. I made that bitch something. Now, I had two things that I needed to send to her. FUCK! Ok. I decided that I had to get over my pseudo-phobia and mail the damn package. Then, every time I passed the stupid post office, it was crowded. And busy!! Remember? I don’t like the place. I can’t stand in LINE!!! I had built it up so much in my mind because I am a lazy asshole and didn’t want to go, now I can’t do it!!

So, Mr. Tex saved me once again. He was going to (what I thought) the PO to mail packages to his family members. I asked him to send mine since he was already going to be there and all. Know what that ass hero said to me?! I’ll tell you! He said that he would mail the thing I made, but he refused to send the box that has been in the car for the past – forever. I BS’d him a little bit. I may have shown him an ass cheek or something like that. I guess it was convincing enough because he agreed to mail it. Either that or he decided to just do it so I’d STFU.

But guess what? He didn’t go to the PO. Nope. He went to the UPS store. So, he spent twice as much to avoid the PO. Why didn’t I think of that?



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