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Tex Commando

I'm not angry, just outspoken

Have you ever had the feeling that your life was a movie?

It’s as if you are going about your daily life as an observer, someone who is both experiencing it and watching it at the same time. Your perception is different. You are able to predict the possible outcomes to events as they are happening all while seeing your entire life flash before you and in a split second you make the most important decision of your life and you know that this is it- there’s no turning back.

That happened to me once. I’ll tell you about it, but first you need some history. I was 19 years old. I just found out I was pregnant by a man who wasn’t my boyfriend. He was transitional. He was the rebound guy. My boyfriend and I had broken up around Thanksgiving. I use the term boyfriend loosely here, because we really weren’t. We were more like fuck buddies. We liked each other, but our relationship was undefined. We just were. Even though we had a quasi-relationship that neither of us claimed was exclusive, we didn’t screw around with other people. We were getting closer. He got scared. He didn’t want to be committed. He wanted to be free to have fun with other chicks. So he dumped me. As much as I was sad and upset by the dumping, I was thankful to him for not playing with my head. He made it clear to me- we were done.

So, I did what any other 19 year old person would do. I found another one. I think this one was waiting to swoop down upon ‘lil ‘ol me. We talked. We had fun. He was good company. He took my mind off of my sadness, and I started enjoying my existence again.  He was 26. He knew better. We’ll call him predator.

About a month after the dumping, my boyfriend decided that he mad a mistake. He loved me and wanted to be with me. He told me -in the middle of an IHOP at about 2am on a Saturday night- that he thought he would be happier to be able to go out and have fun with other people, but doing that only made him realize that he was already happy with me. He wanted to get back together. I was a little pissed at him. We chatted some more, set a tentative date for the next day, and by the end of the next day we were back in each other’s arms where we knew we belonged.

I was up front and honest with predator. It felt bad, but I at least owed him the truth. I was with homie. We carried blissfully on for a month until I found out I was pregnant. I knew who helped me conceive it. It wasn’t homie. So, I told predator.

For whatever reason, I ended up driving predator to his house. I went inside so we could talk about the ‘what now’. Here’s where the movie starts to play.

We are sitting on his floor. He leans in to kiss me. I know that I have two choices. Kiss or turn away. In a flash, I see what would happen in both situations. I almost do it. I almost kiss him. But I know it would get back to boyfriend if I go through with that kiss. And I didn’t really want predator, I wanted boyfriend. It was as if I could hear the audience screaming at me through the movie screen not to do it. They were screaming at me to pick the good guy.

So I turned my head. I left. I went home to my homie.

That was one of the most important days of my life. That is a day that I will remember forever. Sometimes, it plays over and over in my head like a movie scene. Like yesterday, when a FB friend who has the same ‘baby daddy’ was talking about what a shitty dad he is to her son. How he doesn’t call/visit/ support him at all. She tells me all the time how ‘jealous’ of me she is because of my situation (married to an amazing man who loves and supports all of our children, even if one of them isn’t his biological child, but she has always been his in his heart and always will). My homie saw predator for deadbeat that he was is. He didn’t want anything to do with predator. We didn’t want for anything from predator (like child support, emotional support, anyfuckinthing), and predator didn’t ask/demand anything from us (visitation, anyfuckinthing). It was a clean cut.

So there you have it-  a huge, life changing decision that I made when I was a mere teenager that I wouldn’t do differently. I am thankful every day that homie is the one I chose to share my life with. That guy is awesome. Woudn’t you mofos agree?


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