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Tex Commando

I'm not angry, just outspoken

When we were active churchy mormons, I’d get out of Tooth Fairy duties on Sunday. It was the sabbath, after all. That worked for three kids. The fourth kid lost a tooth this past Sunday. I decided that I wasn’t going to invoke the sabbath in between sips of wine, so with full intentions of fulfilling my toothly fairy duties, I sent Vivian to bed. Mimi took great care to remind me. She made sure to remind Homie too.

Guess who didn’t show up? Guess who cried?  Guess who perpetuated the lie?

(I hate myself a little bit for lying to my kid about the tooth fairy and santa and all of that shit.)

So, I made an excuse for the tooth fairy. I told Viv that she must have had a lot of children to take care of. To which she replied that maybe the tooth fairy is a ‘he’. Immediately, this image flashed in my mind:

Except imagine him in tights.

Consoled, my little feminist decided to give it another try. Guess who forgot? Guess who tried to pull the ‘ol “Look what fell behind the bed” trick? Luckily, I stopped him from doing damage control which would have caused more damage.

After the kids all went to school, Homie came up with this:

Dear Vivian,

I understand that you have been upset that you haven’t received a visit from me after losing a tooth. I do apologize for it taking so long to get to you. You see, there is only so much magic in the world at any one time. Normally there is plenty for me to get to things quickly, but around Christmastime, the North Pole draws heavily on the magic. There has been a bit of a shortage this week before Christmas and it has taken me a little longer than I would have liked to come retrieve your tooth. I even have had to resort to working some during the day! Anyway, I finally made it and I hope you are not too disappointed. Have a Merry Christmas and remember to take good care of those adult teeth that take the place of those you are losing.

Love,

Tooth Fairy

If it doesn’t work, I’m going to come clean.

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