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Tex Commando

I'm not angry, just outspoken

Category Archives: Tex on religion

Shakespeare. I thought I hated it. At least I (mostly) hated it 20something years ago when I had to read it in high school English class. Now? It’s fucking awesome! I have read four plays in the past three weeks. Every one has had me laughing out loud. Every play has been a peek into human nature and even though they are hundreds of years old, people really haven’t changed.

The best part is that my class is small, about 10 students, and the professor encourages (requires) us to participate in the discussion and analysis of the plays and characters. There is something for everyone in each play. Some theme or character or situation that resonates differently with each person in the class.

It’s like Sunday school but with 89.742% less god. (Hamlet is super god-dy.) Reading Shakespeare is just like reading scriptures but with stories and characters that are actually interesting. And crude sexual humor. And insults. And cross-dressing.

While everyone else is at church this morning, I’ll be reading and laughing and taking notes so I can kick my midterm’s ass tomorrow.

Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.

Ya think he was talking to me? Psh, what does he know?

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For some reason, I started reading old blog posts from The Other blog. Then Brandi read more and told me about it. Then I read more this morning. And more and more and more. So, here are a few that I thought were particularly excellent. They are in no particular order. Read the comments too. Most of the fun happens in the comments.

The Definition of Marianne

This never got a chance to happen. (read the comments) I need to do this. I need to kick the shit talker’s ass in June. Maybe I’ll give her a week to get settled before I crush her.

Guess what we did today. It’s a many-times-a-year thing. I can’t wait to take Brandi and her kids.

I used to cook like a motherfucker. I even posted RECIPES. I need banana cake now. And ohmyfuckinggod spaghetti and meatballs , I forgot about this one!!!

This is about the time in the life of Cookies 4 Breakfast when I start to really crack myself up. It’s also when I am in the process of losing a dear friendship. It’s also when another better friendship starts to REALLY take shape. It’s about a month into TexCommando. Only a couple more links, and I’ll be done. I promise.

When Jesus Attacks, that asshole Jesus is always fucking my shit up.

The last line STILL cracks me up (you must read this one)

Brandi is at least 13 out of the 18 that I listed. She was before she became the love of my life, and she still is (plus more that I won’t torture you all with).

What do you think? Did I miss anything?

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When we were active churchy mormons, I’d get out of Tooth Fairy duties on Sunday. It was the sabbath, after all. That worked for three kids. The fourth kid lost a tooth this past Sunday. I decided that I wasn’t going to invoke the sabbath in between sips of wine, so with full intentions of fulfilling my toothly fairy duties, I sent Vivian to bed. Mimi took great care to remind me. She made sure to remind Homie too.

Guess who didn’t show up? Guess who cried?  Guess who perpetuated the lie?

(I hate myself a little bit for lying to my kid about the tooth fairy and santa and all of that shit.)

So, I made an excuse for the tooth fairy. I told Viv that she must have had a lot of children to take care of. To which she replied that maybe the tooth fairy is a ‘he’. Immediately, this image flashed in my mind:

Except imagine him in tights.

Consoled, my little feminist decided to give it another try. Guess who forgot? Guess who tried to pull the ‘ol “Look what fell behind the bed” trick? Luckily, I stopped him from doing damage control which would have caused more damage.

After the kids all went to school, Homie came up with this:

Dear Vivian,

I understand that you have been upset that you haven’t received a visit from me after losing a tooth. I do apologize for it taking so long to get to you. You see, there is only so much magic in the world at any one time. Normally there is plenty for me to get to things quickly, but around Christmastime, the North Pole draws heavily on the magic. There has been a bit of a shortage this week before Christmas and it has taken me a little longer than I would have liked to come retrieve your tooth. I even have had to resort to working some during the day! Anyway, I finally made it and I hope you are not too disappointed. Have a Merry Christmas and remember to take good care of those adult teeth that take the place of those you are losing.

Love,

Tooth Fairy

If it doesn’t work, I’m going to come clean.

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With the holiday season upon us, I think it’s appropriate to talk about the reason for the season.

Presents

 Come on, you didn’t think I was going to say Jesus, did you? You know that he’s not the reason. Jesus is an afterthought.

Ok, I have the lights up, and the tree decorated. The presents are already bought because of those great black Friday deals. I narrowly escaped the pepper spray on my way to getting that Xbox. I feel sorry for the poor schmuck who got it squarely in the face. I just have a few more little things to order online then I’m done. Unfortunately, I’m hosting dinner this year for the whole family and I’m stressed out. I can’t wait for the holidays to be over. Oh yeah. And Jesus. Damn you, Jesus. It’s all your fault

 

(I was on a roll and had a whole paragraph about how I used to think Atheists should get over how they would overreact when people would say god like on The Pledge and stuff, but now that I don’t believe in god, my perspective has changed. However, I had to go do some shit and I lost my steam. Curse you, ADD.)

And since I don’t already have 8,000,000 things to knit already, I figure what’s one more? I’ll make one of these to give away so you can put it on you chrisfsmas tree.

I don’t have any rhyme or reason about who will get it. I know! The most creative ‘prayer’ will get it. It’s totally subjective, and just because you might have a better prayer than someone else, you might not get it anyway. Or I might put your names in a hat and pick a name (who actually uses a hat to do this?).

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  • for meaningful friendships that allow me to be myself without fear of rejection or judgement regardless of my religious beliefs
  • for red wine and fancy craft beer
  • for being the ‘godless and immoral’ one who is almost always the voice of reason
  • for guiltless, dirty, awesome sex
  • for the courage to leave the church
  • for being truly happy for the first time in my life (yeah. happiness is a real thing even for apostates)
  • for having an ENTIRE EXTRA DAY to do family fun stuff/shopping/work/relaxing
  • for being able to show off my awesome shoulders in sleeveless shirts and dresses
  • for shedding the baggage that makes me feel guilty/sinful for wearing a bikini this summer
  • for Bailey’s in my coffee
  • for being the Honorable Queen Bishop to my FMWAs

Anyone else out there who needs the support of friends when you feel like you have no where else you can go to be supported in your radical/immoral/apostate ideas? Hit me up. I have just the place for you.

 

 

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There’s this thing going around on the face book. It’s this thing called a ‘family reunion’. It’s a ward family reunion. See, my old ward was pretty transient. People would come for a couple of years then move to another state or even another country. It was a military ward. Every two years or so, it would be a whole ‘nother group of people in the ward. There were a few ‘old timers’, the people who had been there for 4 or more years, but for the most part, it turned over pretty regularly. People lose touch. They want to reconnect. A group is formed. Great idea. I often wondered about some of those people I knew way back when.

I loved this ward. Until I didn’t. Lots of people loved this ward. Until they didn’t. Lots of people loved the church. You get it. The funny thing is, I personally know a few (or more) people who were in this ward who no longer consider themselves Mormon.

So, I thought it would be silly brilliant appropriate to create a group that took into account the fact that there are family members that might not be represented. The apostates. I hate that word, BTW. Can we call it something different? Suggestions? I felt like the apostates were disenfranchised.

So, Tex, being the ever-inclusive, did something about it. (Yeah, 3rd person. My ego is that big)

I created a secret group for the apostates. Have you seen it? No? OF COURSE NOT! IT’S SECRET, REMEMBER?! No one but the members of the group know who’s in the group.You might be surprised who shares your feelings. No one will say anything to anyone. It’s a safe place to be yourself.

Safe. No one will threaten to divorce you. No one will yell at you. No one will shun you or discourage you from ‘having questions’.  We ask each other questions. Thought-provoking questions that don’t have easy answers.

You mofos know how to get in touch with me. If you don’t know how to specifically, you know someone who knows someone who can get in touch with me. Let me know if you want to be counted. You’ll be counted among the family of apostates, the small (but ever growing) group of people who no longer – well, blah blah blah. If you’re an apostate and you know it, clap your hands!

…in the name of Her Honorable Queen Bishop ‘Tex’ the Benevolent, drink wine.

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…then I will assume some things about you.

1. You are open minded.

2. You don’t rely on the church to tell you what to think.

3. You realize that everyone has their own story and what works for you might not work for other people, and that’s OK.

4. It’s possible this blog is a ‘guilty pleasure’ because I cuss, drink, and I used to be mormon and am not afraid to admit it. (Seriously, I typed moron at first. It was not intentional. I still am a moron- just ask Brandi)

Now, read this post by Eliza.

I’m not trying to push any of my mofos off the precipice. I really do just want you to be happy. I want you to be confident in your decisions. I want you to stop worrying about what ‘everyone’ will say, think, and do. Stop living in fear. There truly is happiness once you let go of the fear.

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