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Tex Commando

I'm not angry, just outspoken

Tag Archives: BGW-11

I have been trying to see how long I can go without blogging. I blame Brandi for ruining my streak because since she linked this blog to her latest blog post about boobs, naked hot-tubbing, and being licked by yours truly, I feel the need to give you all something current to read.

So, I had a great time at BGW. Although this one didn’t have drag queens or strippers, and the only gams there were my own, and no one accidentally got drunk (they were all intentional), I must say this one was the best.

Once again, I discovered that the things that annoy me about my friends are more annoying when I spend 7 days with them. I’m sure the feeling was reciprocal. AND that the people I thought would annoy me the most weren’t annoying at all. They were delightfully wonderful.

I learned that I like being french and subsisting on wine, cheese, and crusty bread. I actually do it well.

 I discovered that I am a ‘sister lover’. As much as I love my girlfriends, I love their sisters too. Who else has a sister that I can steal?

I look ridiculous with gigantic boobs.

Brandi’s cheek tastes perfumey.

14 women in a house for a week can come up with some crazy shit.

I can’t wait to see all you mofos naked again next year!




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This shit is intimate. This blogging shit. You people know what I mean.

The filter is off when I sit down to blog. It’s in another dimension when I blog after I’ve had a drink or two. Occasionally I’ll censor what I say on here. If it’s not something I can really speak freely about I just won’t discuss it at all. Instead, I’ll send angry cussing text messages to my bitch. Or, I’ll call up my sista’ Lucy.

Sometimes I’ll put things on this motherfucker that I don’t even really ever talk  about. It’s my diary. You know, the one you don’t care if someone else reads. The other diary got burned (thank goodness). And what’s funny is that people actually read it. People – complete strangers read this blog and learn pretty intimate details about my life and my fucked up mind and what crazy shit I believe and all of that. What’s even funnier, is that I read other people’s shit and learn shit about them too. What’s even more funnier is that sometimes I meet these strangers who aren’t really strangers at all because we already know every motherfucking thing about each other. But it’s kind of awkward anyway because you are talking to someone and you already know all of their shit, but it’s weird because you don’t want to necessarily talk about their shit with them  but you do want to ask them something specific about something they blogged about but you don’t want to overstep some weird internet-blogger code and say something about something that they didn’t actually want to talk about which is why they wrote it on their blog.

Like, the time I met the friend of a good friend of mine. She reads my blogs and Brandi’s blogs religiously. This girl knew more about the goings on in my life than my friend did. It kinda freaked me out when she asked me about something I had blogged about the day before. After the initial freak-out, my head grew three sizes because she actually likes reading my shit.

But back to my original point. Was there a point? Oh yeah, talking to a fellow blogger. It fucks me up even more if they’re anonymous. Take Vegas, for example. I expected JZ to be some frumpy, dumpy, pathetic, lump. Ummmmmmm nope. Not even close. That bitch is Gore-frickin’-geous, funny, smart, confident, fun, and most certainly not frumpy and dumpy.

Last night, I had a beautiful conversation with Dadsprimalscream. It seemed a bit awkward at first because I didn’t want to seem all buddy-buddy like I knew him and all. Because I don’t. Not really. Then I had this funny voice in my head (Rena) saying how I needed to say the F word more and how I “don’t cuss nearly as much as I do on my blog”. But I fought the urge to be ‘Tex’ because that’s not my speaking voice. Well, it is, but only in certain situations to certain mofos. It was cool. I got over the awkwardness after a few minutes, and I am excited to get to know him better over the next few weeks.

At least with him, the awkward familiarity goes both ways. Not so with my other soon-to-be ‘client’, Pam The Realtor. She has the advantage going into this relationship because SHE DOESN’T BLOG!! I look forward to talking to her tomorrow. Pam, be sure to bring up how amazing I am during our conversation tomorrow, OK? Tell me how funny I am on my blog and how boring and normal I am in real life. (Sssssh. This is a test to see if she reads this crap every day.)

Have you met a fellow internet friend? I want your stories about me. How did it fuck you up?

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Yeah, so this is really the highlight of my trip. To the person who felt the need to remind me that I “will lose some money, ya know,” I laugh in your face. I didn’t lose. I actually only spent $100  total on my trip to Las Vegas. And on this particular game, which used my last $5 for the night, I think I did a pretty good job.

Things I learned on this trip:

  1. Sta-tit-ho is hot on the pole.
  2. JZ is a gorgeous bitch who can make a mean mojito.
  3. Brandi should not EVER be given caffeine.
  4. Harmony is good for a mofo’s self esteem.
  5. Conversations about farmville are stupid.
  6. I should have made Bennett give me the book when I had the chance. That’s what I get for taking turns and being nice.
  7. I’m a nice drunk.
  8. I know how to take one for the team.
  9. Chris has amazing hands that can work magic.
  10. I don’t cuss nearly as much in real life as I do on my motherfuckin’ blog. Thank goodness!

There’s nothing more to say about this fun trip that hasn’t already been said. You mofos were fun!

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So, I’ve been sitting here next to Brandi for the past 15 minutes trying to post something in this blog about the amazing time we are having here in the den of inequity. But, I haven’t been able to think of anything because that bitch won’t shut up!! My goodness. She hasn’t stopped talking long enough for me to string two thoughts together. I mean, really! Shut up already!

Know that the fucked up thing is? Everyone that is here reads this blog. So I can’t talk shit about ANYONE. And, there’s some good shit to talk about. Like, really good shit. I think that I might piss sum bitches off and I don’t want to have to get in any fights.

It’s also fucked up that I haven’t really had much of a chance to blow away my family’s life savings yet. I have really been looking forward to becoming addicted to gambling. We played the slot machines once, and I got a 1,500% return on my FIRST TIME EVER. I mean, damn!! I’m a lucky motherfuckin bitch. I have the potential to become a damn millionaire. So tonight after our stripper certification class, I’m going to hit it big.

Well, I gotta go get my poolside manicure now. I have to get myself lookin’ hot for when I hit it big and they take my picture to post on the inside of the casino. I can’t be lookin’ all fucked up.

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I love you mofos. Y’all know that. I love how you tell me how amazing my ass is. You tell me what a fuckin’ genius I am. You let me vent to you about shit that’s going on in my motherfuckin’ house. Some of you mofos are even traveling to hang out with me next week. If it was possible, I’d hug each and every one of you people while letting you know how important you are to me.


Something’s missing. Something big is missing from my life. And I want it back but I don’t know how to get it back. It fucking sucks to need the one person who you confided everything (well, almost) for the past 11 years, and not be able to call her up and get her support and encouragement when you need it the most. One of the only people in the whole world who loves your family like her own (or at least used to), and knows them almost as well because she’s been there all of their lives.

I want to call her. I want to cry over the phone so she can tell me that everything is going to be just fine. However, I can’t help but think that if I do that, I will validate her belief that I brought on all of my family’s drama because of my actions. In her eyes, I have made very serious mistakes that must be dealt with. And until I deal with them properly, I will continue to have these issues to deal with.

Over the past week, I have been on the verge of calling her so many times. And each time, I stop myself because I don’t want to give her the satisfaction. I don’t want to inadvertently validate her opinion. (Because I know she’d have one)

So, yeah. That’s my suck-ass thing. Do you have one?

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So, the five year old has been gone since Friday. She’s at my  mom’s house until Saturday when I go pick her up. It’s been super quiet around here. Mostly. That’s a pro. I hate kid noise.

Unfortunately, my hero, Mr. T has been gone since Sunday. I think he’s applying for Canadian citizenship. He spends so much time with them, I am pretty sure that if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s motherfuckin’ cold there, he’d become one.

Things are pretty quiet around here. The three older ones are getting along for the most part, and I want them to disappear less than usual. That’s another pro.

My teenager, however can’t seem to make up her mind whether she wants things cool and relaxed, or dramatic and over the top. I’d like to stuff a blanket in her mouth and bind her with duct tape. Con.

I did a back to back session of Bikram yesterday because I had FOUR HOURS STRAIGHT that I didn’t have any other commitments. It was a crazy, awesome experience. I’m pretty sure I will do it again tomorrow. Pro.

I’m at home blogging and drinking coffee and getting ready to tear apart my daughter’s room instead of working and making money that I can blow in Vegas. Con.

I’m stressed and I’m not eating right. So, I’m losing the little extra fluff that I’ve put on over the past couple of months. It’s not much, maybe 5 pounds, but it does’t take much to make a difference. My jeans fit me properly again. Pro.

I’m stressed, and my schedule is all fucked up so I haven’t taken a proper dump since Sunday. I’m hoping this x-large coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts does its trick soon. Con that will soon be a pro (hopefully).

I have great friends. I love you mofos. Pro times infinity.

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No need to send someone over to check on me. I’m still alive.

My mom came this week to hang out for a few days. AND!!! She took the 5 year old home with her. We are planning on going to her house next weekend anyway, so it works out great. I feel a bit pathetic and desperate to be so excited to have  a whole week without my youngest child. But whatever, I’ll get over it. It’s actually a good week to be down a kid because Mr. T is going to be gone all week too. That mofo is always going on ‘business trips’. I have told him that I think he is living a double life. It happens, ya know. I’ve read books. I’ve seen movies. I can’t name any of them, and he laughs at me whenever I mention that I think he may have a secret ‘nother family. But at least I get him MORE. So I’m not bitter.

I also found a knitting group that I’m going to this morning. Hopefully, I’ll like the ladies there, and they’ll want me to come back again. I miss my ‘ol knitting buddy, Ariella. I hope she’s on vacation and neglected to tell me about it, because I haven’t been able to get in touch with her all week. I have issues with friends not communicating with me. I’m not calling it needy. I’m calling it, I miss my stitchin’ and bitchin’ buddy.

I’m feeling a bit depressed, I guess. I’m so ready for it to not be cold outside. I really hate it. I don’t want to go out and DO anything. I just want to be snuggled in my bathrobe. It’s getting old. I’m getting fluffy. And I don’t like fluffy. At least not on me. I’ve started eating sweets and crappy food again. Yuck! I really hope the weather is good next week while my little monster is away so I can get back on my bike.

I am excited that I have a little over two weeks before I get to see my bad-ass mofos.

Even I’M not convinced by that last sentence. I’ll work on it. OK?

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