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Tex Commando

I'm not angry, just outspoken

Tag Archives: Children

Yesterday morning, my kids didn’t want to get up for school. Go figure. I usually go into the girls’ room and get them up gently ¬†first before I have to go all ape shit to wake up my son. The ‘baby’ was still asleep, snuggly and warm in her bed. I skooched her over and crawled under her covers with her and held her until she woke up. She felt so small and fragile in my arms. I remembered the first years of her life that almost every night we found ourselves in that position while she cuddled and nursed next to me in my bed. Those sweet moments were times that I cherished with all of my kids, but this one was special because she was the last one.

Then she turned two. There’s nothing in particularly wrong with two year olds. I actually love that age. The problem is that I became very dissatisfied with my life. I wanted to escape and I felt like I was trapped. I stopped eating, socializing with friends, smiling, talking, making eye contact, being present in my life. I was a zombie. I still went about my daily activities. I taught my Stroller Strides classes, worked out at my gym, ran errands, all-a-that. But when I got home, I shut down. It took all of my energy to do the other stuff, I had nothing left afterward.

It was during this time, while I was potty training the ‘baby’, I remember wishing out loud that she would just be potty trained already. Then in preschool, then in school, and only 16 more years until she’s outta the house. Once I stopped my shitty pity party, I remarked that I shouldn’t wish away her childhood because one day, I’ll wake up and she will be grown.

But it was HARD. Damned HARD not to want everything different. Hard not to wish I was living a different life in a different place with different people doing different things. 99% of the time, I failed miserably. I hated my life. As silly as it may sound, I tried to hide this from Mr. Tex. He’s a very intuitive person. He wasn’t fooled. He knew something was wrong, and was scared.

Have I mentioned that Mr. Tex is amazing? Because he is. He found out what my problem was. He made me deal with it. He helped me through the worst time in my life. I helped him through the worst time in his life. It didn’t take long for me to be satisfied with my relationship with Mr. Tex. That was the easy part. He loved me despite all the warts.

The hard part was dealing with the expectations and the shoulds. The kids expected me to be a nice mom. I had secretly started drinking coffee, and I was afraid someone would discover me. I was expected to fulfill a calling that I didn’t care about (compassionate service leader is motherfucking hard to do when you are depressed). I (guess) I was supposed to be happy chasing a toddler, homeschooling, cooking, cleaning, and chauffeuring, but I wasn’t.

Life is so complicated, it’s hard to say what event or decision was the turning point. It’s hard to attach a cause to what the problems were. It’s never so cut and dry. What I do know, is that almost three and a half years later, I am good.

Maybe it was all the yoga I have been doing that has taught me to take each moment as it is. To let go of my expectations about what I think I should be doing, and just allow myself to be where I am.

Maybe it was ‘coming out’ to my family and anyone else who enters my kitchen, that I drink coffee because I own a coffee pot. Or having drinks when I am out with Mr. Tex. Or writing it out on my blog for everyone and their child to see so I don’t have to pretend anymore, and so no one has to wonder what’s up with Tex.

Maybe it was deciding that I not only don’t believe in the Mormon church, I don’t believe in God. But the more I think about it, I realize that I never really did. Ever. So, it’s more of a return to formerly held non-beliefs.

Maybe it’s the return of Tex. Tex represents the person who is an open book. Tex has no secrets. Tex is uninhibited¬†and real. She cusses, she drinks, she flirts, she loves.

I lost years of my life during that dark depression. I realized the weight of that yesterday when I was snuggling my big girl in her bed. It reminded me that I have made a resolution. I resolved several months ago not to let a day go by without hugging them. I have kept that promise. It’s my way of remembering each of them the way they are each day so years won’t pass again without the memory of who they were.

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