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Tex Commando

I'm not angry, just outspoken

Tag Archives: Dude

That’s what they asked me at the barber shop when I went in and told them that I wanted it all gone. I told them, “No, I’m not getting a divorce, husband isn’t cheating, I’m not cheating either. I’m also not tryna get my groove back ‘cuz I never lost it in the first place. I just want to see what I look like with no hair.”

Now I know.

I didn’t take this decision lightly. I consulted about 200+ of my most trusted associates on Facebook. Most of them assured me that I would look amazing with no hair and that if anyone could do it, I could. Some of them (cough, cough, Brandi) just wanted me to do it for the sideshow aspect of it all.

Brandi: So did you shave your head or not?

Me: Not yet bitch

Brandi: You need to get on that. I’m lacking in things to make fun of.

Me: Fuck you

We really do love each other.

My son is horrified. My eldest child hasn’t seen me yet, but asked me NOT to pick her up from camp tonight. My two favorite youngest children love it. Mr. T? He thinks I’m a copycat. The only difference is that in a few weeks my head will be covered in hair.

 

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I don’t care if you don’t like it, I’m watching the Real Housewives. No matter how fake they are.

Not only am I WATCHING it, I’m watching ALL OF THEM!!!! EVERY NIGHT!!!! Orange County, New York, and New Jersey.

Also? I’m watching Andy Cohen afterwards.

It’s heaven.

Well, almost heaven. Like, if I actually believed in heaven. Which I don’t. But, if I did THIS is what it would look like:

  • fake tans
  • fake boobs
  • big lips
  • blonde hair
  • lots of drunk ladies
  • big houses
  • bankruptcy (well, maybe not this one)
Don’t worry, I’ll get it all out of my system before you come back home. I will. Probably. Well, maybe not. You know how I am.

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Everybody is writing about their dreams. And by everybody, I mean Cognitive Dissenter, Foxy Pink Cheetah, and Eliza R. Snitch. I have felt pretty left out, because I hardly remember my dreams. I am sure that I do dream. Everyone does, right? I never remember them. Last night/this morning I had one that woke me up. It’s been more than 8 hours since I woke up from that dream, and it’s still as vivid now as it was then. I guess I should write it down. Here goes:

I’m in a public restroom. I’m sitting on the toilet, but the toilet is out in the open. Several women are in the restroom too, and we are chatting about nothing in particular. Aside from me being out in the open trying to take a shit, it’s a pretty normal scene. Then a creepy dude walks in. He crosses the entire room as if he’s checking it out to see how it’s laid out. All of the women are looking at each other in shock like we can’t believe what’s happening. I speak up. I tell him to get the hell out of the women’s bathroom. He looks at me like I’m speaking to someone else. I say, “Yeah, I’m fucking talking to you. Don’t you see that you don’t belong in here? This is a LADIES ROOM. You’re a dude. Get the fuck out of here!” He doesn’t say anything, but walks toward the door. I notice that he’s wearing two plastic headbands in his curly hair like the ones my little girls wear. When he gets to the door, he attempts to lock it from the inside as if to lock us in with him in there too. A store employee (man) pushes it open because he heard me yelling, and tells the dude that he can’t lock the door. The guy doesn’t leave, but tries to lock the door again. The employee pushes his head in the door again, and I yell at him to get security. Them another creepy dude comes in and locks the door. They circle the bathroom looking at all of the women in there, trying to decide which one they want to ‘have’ first and where they want to have her. I am still on the toilet, but decide that  I’m not going to be able to poop. I pull my pants up without anyone being able to notice, but I’m still on the pot. I’m still yelling at the assholes to unlock the door and get the hell out of the bathroom. The guys come over to me and decide  that they’ll have me. Just when I was getting ready to kick them in the ‘nads, I woke up.

Here are some things that bother me about this dream:

  • I’m sitting on the toilet out in the open in a public bathroom. Now that I am writing this down, I realize that this is a recurring theme. As long as I can remember, I have  had dreams about open public bathrooms.
  • Why am I the only one to speak up? I am the most vulnerable one of the bunch, sitting on the crapper. Everyone else is dressed and washing their hands or checking the mirror.
  • I keep running my mouth, thereby drawing more attention to myself.
  • None of the other bitches in the bathroom did anything to back my ass up. No one else said anything. Why didn’t anyone try to help me?
  • Why didn’t the store employee get security?

Ok. That’s my crazy fucked up dream. I want to know what this shit means. Now, I’m afraid to go to a public restroom. When I was in Kohl’s today, I almost pissed my pants. I had to check to make sure there wasn’t a bolt lock on the inside of the door of the bathroom.

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