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Tex Commando

I'm not angry, just outspoken

Tag Archives: fantastic

Ok, so I know how to take turns. Brandi writes. Then I write, then she writes again. Not to give too much information (like, really? Me? TMI?), but art should imitate life.

B knows what I mean.

So, I’ll write ONE decent post to your….UMMMMMM…. eight.

Deal? Deal.

You have seven more to go before it’s my turn again. Art. Imitating. Life.


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Everyone should have a B. What’s so great about having a B, you ask? I’ll tell you. That’s why I am sitting here NOT eating my pita chips and hummus and NOT drinking my wine. So I can tell you.

  • A good B will challenge the fuck out of you. If you’re lucky. My B always keeps me on my toes. I can’t NOT be excellent or at least want to be excellent when I am around My B. 
  • A good B will encourage you like there’s no tomorrow. Any B worth a shit will encourage you and encourage you and help you feel like you can conquer the world.
  • A good B will make you laugh at your ridiculousness AND be ridiculous right along with you. When My B and I are sharing the same space, there is always much laughing. Sometimes so much laughing that my face hurts. That’s the BEST!
  • A good B will communicate. How else would someone like ME know how to treat a B like mine? Communication.
  • A good B will accept you, freckles, scars, and all. B appreciates what’s inside. B sees what’s in your heart. B accepts all of it and finds beauty in it.

Ok. So there you have it. Do you have a B?  What does your B do for YOU?

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When your 17 year old realizes that she’s very much like you, and is happy about it.


Despite all the strife of the past month, I can die a happy mom now.

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I have been trying to see how long I can go without blogging. I blame Brandi for ruining my streak because since she linked this blog to her latest blog post about boobs, naked hot-tubbing, and being licked by yours truly, I feel the need to give you all something current to read.

So, I had a great time at BGW. Although this one didn’t have drag queens or strippers, and the only gams there were my own, and no one accidentally got drunk (they were all intentional), I must say this one was the best.

Once again, I discovered that the things that annoy me about my friends are more annoying when I spend 7 days with them. I’m sure the feeling was reciprocal. AND that the people I thought would annoy me the most weren’t annoying at all. They were delightfully wonderful.

I learned that I like being french and subsisting on wine, cheese, and crusty bread. I actually do it well.

 I discovered that I am a ‘sister lover’. As much as I love my girlfriends, I love their sisters too. Who else has a sister that I can steal?

I look ridiculous with gigantic boobs.

Brandi’s cheek tastes perfumey.

14 women in a house for a week can come up with some crazy shit.

I can’t wait to see all you mofos naked again next year!



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If the line at Marshall’s wasn’t so shitty, I would have bought this t-shirt. But since I did’t feel like being there for an extra hour, I decided to just take a picture of myself in the store wearing the best t-shirt EVER. I might go back tomorrow morning and give them my $5.

It might be a slight exaggeration. By everybody, I mean my mofos. You people are everybody to me.

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My last post got me thinking. Sometimes crazy shit comes out of my head when I think. For those of you who areunfortunate fortunate enough to know me in real life, you know that it’s not always a good thing to be on the receiving end of my thoughts.

This time, however, I think I might have an idea that could change. your. life. Seriously.

You mofos know I am Personal Trainer to the stars, an elite group of men and women who entrust me with their hard-earned money to help them get fit. Until recently, my level of service has been average. Sure, I provided awesome workouts and stunning conversation, but something has been missing. That something is the Follow Up. See, I have taken it for granted that once I start training someone that they’re going to ACTUALLY work out. As in- on their own. I guess I think that if they’re paying me hundreds of dollars, they will actually DO what I tell them to do. Not usually so. Unless I bugremind them, and have solutions to their excuses.

So, when Pam the Realtor commented about someone kicking her ass in AZ, I started thinking, “Why not me?” I realized that most of the time, people just need to know what to do and have someone to tell them to do it.

So, here goes my experiment. I need three people who:

  1. Need to get healthy
  2. Have little/no motivation
  3. Have no clue where/ how to start exercising
  4. Are willing to play by my rules for 6 weeks
I don’t want someone who already works out on their own and is looking for a change. I don’t want someone who is just trying to lose that ‘last ten pounds’. I want people who are really at the end of their rope and need help.
So if you or someone you know would like to try this thing out, leave a comment and make sure to leave your correct email address in the comment form. I’m the only one who sees that information. Oh, and if I choose you, you also consent to be talked about on this blog.
What are you mofos waiting for?

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I usually suck at giving presents. Unless they’re for myself. Then I do quite the opposite- not suck.

Mr. T usually gets the suck end of the stick for his birthday because it’s just a few weeks before Father’s Day. For some reason, I can never get my shit together. It’s a good thing I’m good in the sack.

This year, I actually had a little wad of money at the time of Mr. T’s birthday. I wanted to buy him a bike so he could go bike riding with me.  As I was telling my eldest child what I was planning for her dad’s birthday, she ever-so-sensibly suggested that I get something that he wants. Ya know, because it’s his birthday and all.

What her dad has really wanted for a long time is BBQ classes. He loves to grill, but doesn’t have much knowledge beyond the basics. So, I put my perfect present for myself him on the backburner and searched  for and found the perfect birthday present for him: Bobby Flay’s ‘Grill It’ class at Sur La Table. He loved it, AND I had the perfect follow-on present for Father’s Day: a gift card to the awesome store he’d be at for his class.

But, I didn’t get the gift card. I forgot/got wrapped up in other things/spent the money/ forgot/ ran out of time/didn’t. I still have little bit of time to save up a more respectable amount of dinero for the gift card, so I scrapped that idea for now.

Instead, I baked some good shit for him last night. I made tiramisu again for the second time in my life and the second time in less than a month. AND I also baked an angel food cake with orange glaze and fresh whipped cream FROM SCRATCH. The kids and I made him a huge card from a ginormous poster board, and we ate those two desserts for breakfast.

The best part of it was last night while I was whipping up the eggs he told me that his grandma would make him an angel food cake every year for his birthday because angel food is his favorite. I was glad to give him his favorite cake.

Now, I’ll stop talking about how amazing I am, and tell you how great Mr. T is:

1. He is friendly.

2. He is kind.

3. He is thoughtful.

4. He is funny.

5. He is my best friend.

6. He is gorgeous.

7. He is a very good listener.

8. He is an awesome dad.

9. He is great in bed.

10. He is putting his life on the line right this moment while he teaches our soon-to-be 16 year old how to drive.

‘Nuff said.


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