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Tex Commando

I'm not angry, just outspoken

Tag Archives: Orgasm

photo 1.JPGOn my way between classes this morning, I discovered that it’s an exciting week on campus.

photo 2.JPGIn my attempt for a free t-shirt that I’d never wear outside of my bedroom, I walked around to talk to the different booths of people who were there to ask my advice educate me about sex.

Every table had a sticker, and I had to get four stickers in order to score a shirt. The first table had sexy toys. They were offering lube and condoms.

“NO thanks, I don’t need condoms.”

Next table was the peer counselors. They were a lovely group of ladies who remembered me from another campus event where I talked to them for awhile about their jobs. Next to the crisis hotline pens was a basket of jimmy hats.

“NO thanks, I don’t have any use for condoms.”

The third table I stopped at was for the Vagina Monologues. There will be a performance here in the spring. Since I like vaginas, I decided to sign up on their email list to find out how I can be a part of it.

Last stop was the Rainbow Terps table. After talking to the adorable homosexual boy at the table, I decided to go to Queer Lunch tomorrow to check out their extensive library and meet some other gays on campus. Guess what else he offered me? CONDOMS!!!!

“NO thanks, I don’t USE condoms.”

The guy standing next to me at the table got it. We shared a moment.

I stood in line only to not get a t-shirt because they ran out of them. But I did get a fact sheet that only reinforces to me the importance of lots of sex. Especially while I’m a college student.

It'll help me reduce stress from all of the stupid group projects I have.

It’ll help me reduce stress from all of the stupid group projects I have.

I'm a Kinesiology major. Duh. Exercise is what I DO at college. This is real-world application.

I’m a Kinesiology major. Duh. Exercise is what I DO at college. This is real-world application.

Need I say more?
photo 3

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Ok, so I know how to take turns. Brandi writes. Then I write, then she writes again. Not to give too much information (like, really? Me? TMI?), but art should imitate life.

B knows what I mean.

So, I’ll write ONE decent post to your….UMMMMMM…. eight.

Deal? Deal.

You have seven more to go before it’s my turn again. Art. Imitating. Life.

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In anticipation to The Great BM, I decided that I’ll post some realizations that I have each day about how life will change around the NewCommando household. I know life will certainly become more complicated and challenging with our modern-day Brady Bunch dynamic, but I’m talking about the little things. The tiny details that directly affect ME and how I do MY normal everyday things.

Internet time

Our entire relationship has evolved on the internet. At least we knew each other in real life before we became an online sensation. But a lot of our interaction has been public. In blog comments, re-hashed text messages, and facebook conversations, the world (you mofos) has had a peek into our friendship. I see that part of us coming to an end. Soon, we will LIVE together. (SEVEN!!!) We won’t have to comment and poke and banter online and in public where peoples may know. Not like we have to do it now, but we just do.

But what about MY morning facebook time? Every once in a great while, I have a couple of hours when I don’t have to go anywhere or do anything. I get to have incredibly inappropriate and awesome conversations with my step-brother-in-law about the significance of the number seven. Oddly enough, Brandi sometimes has mornings that she doesn’t have other stuff to do, and SHE is on facebook too. I realized this morning, that if there are hours when both of us has nothing else to do WE WON’T BE ON FACEBOOK. Now is when you allow your imagination to wander.

But there’s more. I am kind of the kind of person who likes to be fully participating in conversations with people when they are in front of me. I don’t like it when we are chillin and you have your phone out and are texting unless it’s actually important. Don’t be doing shit on your phone when WE are supposed to be spending time together. HUGE PET PEEVE!!!!  Also, I refuse to be one of those people who is sitting next to their mate and on separate computers and having conversations about shit and commenting on each other’s shit on facebook while they’re together!!!! Maybe we should just combine facebook accounts. Brandianne Teixeira Douglass sounds horrible. BM Douglass Teixeira? Eh, better I guess.

NOT!!!!

The point is, I will force her to have to sneak to the bathroom and get online while she’s taking a shit. Which we all know she won’t do because, ew. GERMS!!! That’s how all of you will know she’s in the bathroom. When you see Brandi on facebook, it means she is using the bathroom. Because otherwise, I will be monopolizing her time by making her hold my hand and gaze into my eyes and kiss me.

Yes, you read that right.

HER ONLY REPRIEVE FROM GIVING ME HER UNDIVIDED ATTENTION IS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. 

That’s totally normal, isn’t it?

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I’m doing it! Over the past week, I have:

  • completed 7 yoga classes over the past 9 days. I am unofficially doing a 60 day challenge. That’s 90 hours of yoga in two months. I don’t know if I’ll actually do that much, but at this point, I have done more over the past week than I have done over the past two months. I’ll consider this first week a WIN!
  • cooked delicious Indian food. I used at least 3,000 bowls, dishes, pans, spoons, and measuring cups to make  Makhani Chicken, basmati rice, and  Naan. If you decide to make it, marinate the chicken like this and cook the sauce like the first recipe using the first suggestion. Also, this tastes even better the second day, so double the recipe like I did, and eat it for several days. I decided that I’ll focus on a different country/cuisine per month. I already have a request for Chinese next month. Do you mofos have a  suggestion?
  • plans to try to make a new friend. This girl and I from yoga talked some over the summer, and we lost touch because of my absence from yoga over the past several months. I saw her this morning, and I decided this afternoon that I’m going to try to make a new friend. She’s cool, and we seem to get along pretty well. We were both happy to see each other and catch up. It’s fucking weird to try to make a new friend. What do you say? “Hi, I’m Tex, will you be my friend?” Oh to be six again…
  • not had too many more ‘gasms over the past week. Why? I’ll have to discuss that with the Mr., and possibly work on some ‘self exploration’ while he’s gone for the week.

All in all, I’ve had a pretty good first week of the year. My evil plot to get my fellow apostate knitting best local maryland friend to the yarn store is going to come to fruition tomorrow. I’m looking forward to that. (Don’t you love all of the damned qualifiers?)

My littlest girl and I have started a nightly tradition of connect four. I plan to groom her to  actually be able to challenge me one day.  Mimi has even gotten into the nightly action. It’s a good alternative to planting them in front of the TV while I ignore them.

How was your first week?

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I’m not usually the kind of person who does a lot of categorizing and listing. I also don’t do resolutions. Since it’s  a new year and all I thought, “Fuckit. I’ll do both and check in weekly.”

I know you mofos are already tuning out and picking at your nails. I know that my follow-through sucks. I know. I’m hanging my head in shame. But this time it’s going to be different. (That’s what HE said.)

So, here are some of my resolutions or goals or desires or hopes or whatever the hell you want to call it.

  1. Get myself out there more. To me, this means to expand my circle beyond the one or two friends I communicate with. I have become somewhat of a recluse over the past few months. It’s pretty depressing, and I am tired of it. I need more friends.
  2. Make myself do things even if I don’t want to. Refer to the top. I am a bit depressed. As a result, I haven’t had much (any) motivation to do anything extra. Like the things I love to do. Like cook. And exercise. And socialize. I need to make myself do these things. I know I will be happier if I just get off my ass.
  3. Challenge my creativity. This year, I plan to take it to the next level. You all know I knit, but this time I’m going to knit something difficult and beautiful. No more scarves and mittens. I used to cook all the time. I was passionate about food. It’s time to get some of that fire back into my belly. And, something different. I don’t know what it will be, but I will do something else. I have always wanted to learn how to throw pottery. I might try that.
  4. Have more orgasms. You know how it is with depression- lack of interest in sex. Not only do I have little or no interest in sex with my sexy husband, I don’t even want to have sex with myself. Lame. That’s going to change.

Wish me luck. I’ll get back to you mofos in a week with what I did on the list.

What are YOUR resolutions/goals/desires/hopes for the upcoming year?

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There’s this thing going around on the face book. It’s this thing called a ‘family reunion’. It’s a ward family reunion. See, my old ward was pretty transient. People would come for a couple of years then move to another state or even another country. It was a military ward. Every two years or so, it would be a whole ‘nother group of people in the ward. There were a few ‘old timers’, the people who had been there for 4 or more years, but for the most part, it turned over pretty regularly. People lose touch. They want to reconnect. A group is formed. Great idea. I often wondered about some of those people I knew way back when.

I loved this ward. Until I didn’t. Lots of people loved this ward. Until they didn’t. Lots of people loved the church. You get it. The funny thing is, I personally know a few (or more) people who were in this ward who no longer consider themselves Mormon.

So, I thought it would be silly brilliant appropriate to create a group that took into account the fact that there are family members that might not be represented. The apostates. I hate that word, BTW. Can we call it something different? Suggestions? I felt like the apostates were disenfranchised.

So, Tex, being the ever-inclusive, did something about it. (Yeah, 3rd person. My ego is that big)

I created a secret group for the apostates. Have you seen it? No? OF COURSE NOT! IT’S SECRET, REMEMBER?! No one but the members of the group know who’s in the group.You might be surprised who shares your feelings. No one will say anything to anyone. It’s a safe place to be yourself.

Safe. No one will threaten to divorce you. No one will yell at you. No one will shun you or discourage you from ‘having questions’.  We ask each other questions. Thought-provoking questions that don’t have easy answers.

You mofos know how to get in touch with me. If you don’t know how to specifically, you know someone who knows someone who can get in touch with me. Let me know if you want to be counted. You’ll be counted among the family of apostates, the small (but ever growing) group of people who no longer – well, blah blah blah. If you’re an apostate and you know it, clap your hands!

…in the name of Her Honorable Queen Bishop ‘Tex’ the Benevolent, drink wine.

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I’m not sure if I bragged mentioned this or not on here, but did you mofos know that my husband graduated with his Master’s degree a couple of weeks ago? Yeah, it’s pretty fuckin’ awesome. Not only is he the first one in his family to graduate college, but now he’s added a Master’s degree on top of it. Obviously, I’m not the one with the Master’s degree because if I was, I’d be doing more with my life than part time personal training, market research, and mommying. But I digress…this post isn’t a pity party about Tex’s life. This post is about the other Master in the family. The Five Year Old.

Master of what, you ask. Master of the Universe? Close. Master-bater. Yes, she’s discovered a new pastime. Maybe discovered is the wrong word. REdiscovered is more accurate. She first discovered her happy place when she was two. After she was potty trained, she figured out that the buckle on the carseat seatbelt was in just the right spot to make those long car trips (to anywhere we went) just a little bit more bearable.

It made me feel uncomfortable to have her masturbating in the backseat of my car every chance she got. I tried to stop her. Nothing I did worked. Eventually, she stopped on her own.

She’s been an intermittent masturbator for a couple of years now. Until quite recently. She’s gotten pretty sly about it. I don’t want my kids to feel ashamed about their bodies. I don’t want them to be afraid to make themselves feel good. However, I also don’t want to be privy to their self-pleasurings either.

So, I pointed out to her that I knew what she was doing.

Yes, I know it feels good to touch your private parts. I know you like the way it feels. That’s OK. What’s not OK is that you’re touching your private areas in a not-so-private part of our house. You’re not allowed to masturbate in the family room even if you are under a blanket.

I figured that if I made her be away from the action (haha, action!) and excitement (lol) going on in the public areas of the house, that would dissuade her from doing it. Wrong.

Because when I tried to distract her with other activities that she usually LOVES to do, like mopping the floor, cooking, reading, painting, she ever so politely told me that it feels really good to touch her privates and she was going to go to her room for a few more minutes then she’d be back out.

I needed help, so I texted my sexpert, Lucy Lipps:

TC: My girl won’t stop masturbating long enough to cook, clean, hang out with me. ‘it feels so good!’ she tells me. Good for her that I dont prefer to play with myself when she wants to be around me

LL: Hahhahahaha what on Earth?!

TC: She’s been masturbating lately out of…boredom? Idk. So I told her that she needs to do it in private not in the family room. And I’m trying to distract her and she flat out told he to give her a few more minutes then she’d come out and cook with me. WTF?!?!

LL: Wow!!! They say kids who do master ate often have higher intelligence

TC: Lol. What should I DO?! Nothing? Make her wash her hands and change her panties?

LL: You can tell her to save it for her bedtime at night because that is her private time. And always encourage hand washing and panty change after. You can tell her that it is too much the same way you would too much video time for example.

TC: Night time. Ok. Because I thought that if I made her be in private and I was doing something else fun in public she would be ok. Obvs not.

LL: When it balances out shell be ok

TC: I will do that. Bcuz at night she’ll fall asleep after a few minutes. Omg. At least she’s not groaning.

LL: Hahaha. They r our girls (speaking of her 7 year old) Bwahahhahhahahahaha

TC: We just had a little chat. Privatetime, nighttime, quiettime, alonetime. She seems ok with that. She was getting dressed

LL: Great!! Shell need reminders at first until she developed the new habit. Wouldn’t it be great if we could fuck all day long no matter where we are?! Lololl

TC: Lol. Yeah. Stay tipsy and fuck all the time. One of these days…

LL: Hahahhahahha  Btw I am the mofo!!

TC: Lol. I never fo’d a mo.

LL: Lol but I sho did call out fo on occasion!! Hahhaha

TC: (later in the evening) Guess who took a nap for over an hour today? I guess she wore herself out from all that m-bating.
Hahhahhahahhaha

LL: Yeah aren’t we all tired after a good o!

 

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