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Tex Commando

I'm not angry, just outspoken

Tag Archives: Vagina

photo 1.JPGOn my way between classes this morning, I discovered that it’s an exciting week on campus.

photo 2.JPGIn my attempt for a free t-shirt that I’d never wear outside of my bedroom, I walked around to talk to the different booths of people who were there to ask my advice educate me about sex.

Every table had a sticker, and I had to get four stickers in order to score a shirt. The first table had sexy toys. They were offering lube and condoms.

“NO thanks, I don’t need condoms.”

Next table was the peer counselors. They were a lovely group of ladies who remembered me from another campus event where I talked to them for awhile about their jobs. Next to the crisis hotline pens was a basket of jimmy hats.

“NO thanks, I don’t have any use for condoms.”

The third table I stopped at was for the Vagina Monologues. There will be a performance here in the spring. Since I like vaginas, I decided to sign up on their email list to find out how I can be a part of it.

Last stop was the Rainbow Terps table. After talking to the adorable homosexual boy at the table, I decided to go to Queer Lunch tomorrow to check out their extensive library and meet some other gays on campus. Guess what else he offered me? CONDOMS!!!!

“NO thanks, I don’t USE condoms.”

The guy standing next to me at the table got it. We shared a moment.

I stood in line only to not get a t-shirt because they ran out of them. But I did get a fact sheet that only reinforces to me the importance of lots of sex. Especially while I’m a college student.

It'll help me reduce stress from all of the stupid group projects I have.

It’ll help me reduce stress from all of the stupid group projects I have.

I'm a Kinesiology major. Duh. Exercise is what I DO at college. This is real-world application.

I’m a Kinesiology major. Duh. Exercise is what I DO at college. This is real-world application.

Need I say more?
photo 3

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Ok, so I know how to take turns. Brandi writes. Then I write, then she writes again. Not to give too much information (like, really? Me? TMI?), but art should imitate life.

B knows what I mean.

So, I’ll write ONE decent post to your….UMMMMMM…. eight.

Deal? Deal.

You have seven more to go before it’s my turn again. Art. Imitating. Life.

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The Announcement. I think it’s tacky. When am I going to tell Facebook? That has been a question I have been asked over and over again. If you talk to me on a regular basis, you already know. If I hang out with you, you know EVERYTHING. If we are close friends, then you probably know more than you ever wanted to know.

I’m getting a divorce.

No need for the sad face. The end of my marriage isn’t a sad thing. I mean, it’s sad, but also happy. It’s happy-sad. It’s a good move. Homie and I are cool. Awkward sometimes, but cool. It was just time for our marriage to come to an end. 17 years was a good run.

There is someone else.

Not shocked? Fuck you. Just kidding (kinda). Marriage is complicated. People change. When you get married at 20, you are bound to change. To be clear, I didn’t leave my marriage for someone else. I left my marriage for myself. The someone else part was just the catalyst for a marriage ending that should have ended several years ago. Whether the new relationship with the other person lasts forever or not, it’s OK. I am working on Tex.

It’s a woman.

Close your mouth. You’re starting to drool. Who is it? Put the pieces together. It’s not THAT hard to figure out. Trust me, I’m just as shocked as you are. So is she. We never imagined we’d be SO MUCH IN LOVE!!!!! (yeah, yeah, jar)

AAAAAAND on that note, I’m going to go work on my sweater. And drink some wine. I think I might need some wine tonight.

Still haven’t figured it out? Try this.

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It’s the time of the year where a million friends get together for a week of fun and food and sand and fires and nakedness and drinking. Ok, well not everyone gets naked and drunk. Ok, to be fair, the nakedness was in the dark. Wait. That doesn’t sound better does it? UMMMMM……nevermind.

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Haha. Just wanted to get your attention.

Actually, I really do think it’s mad at me. However, at the risk of putting Too Much Information out here for you mofos, I’m going to refrain from the rage against my vagina.

Instead, I’ll tell you about my quiche. Seriously, quiche. Do you people like quiche? I love it! I made one the other night, because I had tons of spinach that had about two more days left before it turned to slime. I also had some other veggies that needed to be used, so I decided to turn it into a quiche. Why don’t I make more of these things?!?

For real, why not? They’re super cheap to make. I always have the basic ingredients on hand- random fresh veggies, cheese, eggs, milk, flour, shortening, water, salt, pepper, other spices. All it takes is a little bit of time to make the pie crust and chop the veggies. Wednesday night’s quiche was perfect because the five year-old chopped the veggies, and the teenager made the pie crust. All I had to do was put it all together.

Since I didn’t have an actual recipe, I wasn’t sure how much it was going to make. I ended up getting two pies. Score! Did I mention that my kids WILL EAT VEGGIES-ANY VEGGIE IF IT’S COOKED IN PIE FORM?

They’re not the only ones who will eat anything cooked in a pie. Have you ever had a meat pie?

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So, I bought my DC the day before my ‘lil friend came to visit. I did what my friend, Crissy, at Toy With Me suggested. If you want to know what she suggested, read the damn column.

I felt violated. Seriously. And I’ve had four kids. Vaginally. Three of them I did without drugs.

The next day, I discovered that I needed the DC. Since Thursday, I have done the following things: 2 sessions of hot yoga, 8 personal training sessions, 3 1/2 hour drive to Virginia, 5K run. Tonight, I plan to go out dancing and drinking with my new sisters. During all of this I have been fully confident. You mofos know what that means. I’m not scared of leakage. You know- how you are afraid that the ‘pon isn’t going to hold up? Like, the little voice in your head (maybe it’s the holy ghost) that tells you that you should change the ‘pon but you ignore it and decide to wait just a little bit longer but you waited too long because now you have to change your drawers because you had an accident? Yeah….none of that. Confident.

After the first time or two, it was awkward. I’m pretty good with it now.

Sorry dudes. If I made you gag it’s ok. You’ll get over it. If you have a wife, recommend this to her. If you are a female mofo, lemme just tell you that it’s great. Really. You just have to be willing to stick your hand in your vagina. Well, not exactly, but you do have to get pretty familiar with yourself. But here’s the deal: It’s your body. Seriously. Don’t be such a chicken shit about getting all up in there. It’s totally worth it.

 

 

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up to my elbow in vagina, when I thought to myself, “Maybe I shouldn’t have invested $40 in the diva cup after all.”

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