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May 23, 2013 realization #1

In anticipation to The Great BM, I decided that I’ll post some realizations that I have each day about how life will change around the NewCommando household. I know life will certainly become more complicated and challenging with our modern-day Brady Bunch dynamic, but I’m talking about the little things. The tiny details that directly affect ME and how I do MY normal everyday things.

Internet time

Our entire relationship has evolved on the internet. At least we knew each other in real life before we became an online sensation. But a lot of our interaction has been public. In blog comments, re-hashed text messages, and facebook conversations, the world (you mofos) has had a peek into our friendship. I see that part of us coming to an end. Soon, we will LIVE together. (SEVEN!!!) We won’t have to comment and poke and banter online and in public where peoples may know. Not like we have to do it now, but we just do.

But what about MY morning facebook time? Every once in a great while, I have a couple of hours when I don’t have to go anywhere or do anything. I get to have incredibly inappropriate and awesome conversations with my step-brother-in-law about the significance of the number seven. Oddly enough, Brandi sometimes has mornings that she doesn’t have other stuff to do, and SHE is on facebook too. I realized this morning, that if there are hours when both of us has nothing else to do WE WON’T BE ON FACEBOOK. Now is when you allow your imagination to wander.

But there’s more. I am kind of the kind of person who likes to be fully participating in conversations with people when they are in front of me. I don’t like it when we are chillin and you have your phone out and are texting unless it’s actually important. Don’t be doing shit on your phone when WE are supposed to be spending time together. HUGE PET PEEVE!!!! Also, I refuse to be one of those people who is sitting next to their mate and on separate computers and having conversations about shit and commenting on each other’s shit on facebook while they’re together!!!! Maybe we should just combine facebook accounts. Brandianne Teixeira Douglass sounds horrible. BM Douglass Teixeira? Eh, better I guess.

NOT!!!!

The point is, I will force her to have to sneak to the bathroom and get online while she’s taking a shit. Which we all know she won’t do because, ew. GERMS!!! That’s how all of you will know she’s in the bathroom. When you see Brandi on facebook, it means she is using the bathroom. Because otherwise, I will be monopolizing her time by making her hold my hand and gaze into my eyes and kiss me.

Yes, you read that right.

HER ONLY REPRIEVE FROM GIVING ME HER UNDIVIDED ATTENTION IS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

That’s totally normal, isn’t it?

Tags: Bathroom, Brady Bunch, Brandi, Conversation, Orgasm, realizations, Shit, Wayne Brady

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Posted under Tex has real feelings

March 8, 2013 The morning after blog

The Announcement. I think it’s tacky. When am I going to tell Facebook? That has been a question I have been asked over and over again. If you talk to me on a regular basis, you already know. If I hang out with you, you know EVERYTHING. If we are close friends, then you probably know more than you ever wanted to know.

I’m getting a divorce.

No need for the sad face. The end of my marriage isn’t a sad thing. I mean, it’s sad, but also happy. It’s happy-sad. It’s a good move. Homie and I are cool. Awkward sometimes, but cool. It was just time for our marriage to come to an end. 17 years was a good run.

There is someone else.

Not shocked? Fuck you. Just kidding (kinda). Marriage is complicated. People change. When you get married at 20, you are bound to change. To be clear, I didn’t leave my marriage for someone else. I left my marriage for myself. The someone else part was just the catalyst for a marriage ending that should have ended several years ago. Whether the new relationship with the other person lasts forever or not, it’s OK. I am working on Tex.

It’s a woman.

Close your mouth. You’re starting to drool. Who is it? Put the pieces together. It’s not THAT hard to figure out. Trust me, I’m just as shocked as you are. So is she. We never imagined we’d be SO MUCH IN LOVE!!!!! (yeah, yeah, jar)

AAAAAAND on that note, I’m going to go work on my sweater. And drink some wine. I think I might need some wine tonight.

Still haven’t figured it out? Try this.

Tags: knitting, Marriage, Mr. Tex, Relationships, Vagina, Wayne Brady